2 minutes.
7 minutes.
13 minutes.
No response.
20 minutes.
The timer ended for me at 33, and I just went outside for a cigarette. I carefully sat on my front porch, making sure to sit on my top step, so my feet could rest on the bottom one. I brought the lighter to my face, burning the tip of the cigarette, slowly leaning back and pushing all the smoke out. This is where I always stop, glancing around. My eyes shift from one house to the next; from the houses to the trees looming above them; from the strees to the sky. I brought the cigarette to my lips again, staring straight ahead as I breathed in the poisonous smoke. I began to clutch at myself, wrapping my arms around myself as tightly as possible, since there was no one else to do it for me. My mind always wandered back to him, what I was going to say, what I was going to do to leave an impression. How long would I stare at the monitor before replying?
I took a few more drags, finishing the cigarette. Stood up, walked to the end of the driveway, flicked it in the street. Always the same. I retreated to my bed, gently sitting on it, debating if I wanted to even turn my monitor back on, or if I should just go to bed.
I made the decision to just go to bed.
My phone was turned off; I didn't want to be woken up.
I drifted off quickly, no obstacles in my way.
The night cradled me, lulled me, loved me.
I didn't wake up once.
The next morning
Sun poured in through my window, spilling onto the floor. My body was telling me, screaming at me, that it was too early. I turned over, turning my cell phone back on.
......9:17 a.m.
But more importantly----
no texts
no calls
no questions "Where are you?"
I don't think he cared that I disappeared.
Thinking about this hurts my heart.
2 comments:
I know it seems hard now but when the waiting is over, win or lose, you'll be better for it, and you'll be happy, if you let yourself be.
I hope so. I really, really do.
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